Tough Decisions

This week has been a week of tough decisions and it's upset me quite a lot. It's been a difficult week for me and this is all quite hard to say, so bare with me...

I've always had my life completely planned out, probably just like every other girl my age. I was going to finish school with 11 GCSE's and go on to sixth form with my friends to do a levels. After this I was going to head straight to university to get my degree - probably in physiotherapy. I never planned around having an illness that would effect my life so much, even though it's not life threatening, it's changed me. It's made me stronger and more accepting of things, but it's also made me much less independent.

I've been officially diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), something that a lot of people get after a long lasting nasty virus. Its not serious and it won't effect my life forever. But it does mean that I'm going to take a lot longer to recover and get back to how I was. It makes you incredibly tired and as with all things I'll have good days and bad days.

Getting this diagnosis has made me have to re-evaluate what I think I will be capable of this year. So this is what is in store for me in the next five years:

-Home tutoring until May, I'll finish year 11 with 5 GCSE's. I was going to go to the ball but I've had to come crashing down to earth with the possibility that I just won't be able to manage, so I'll be sending my dress back in the next couple of weeks.

-After this year I'll take a year out, so that when I return to school I'll be myself again, and not the needy, dependant, whiny little girl I am at the moment. So I won't be going to sixth form with my friends as planned - you can't even imagine how gutted I am about this.

-I'll then spend two years doing A levels in the sixth form, a year older than I should be.

-Because I'll have so few GCSE's I'll need to wait until I get my A level results to even consider applying to a good university. So this means taking another year out. I'll then be about 20/21 when I eventually head off and 2 years behind what I'd originally planned.

I know 21 isn't old, and so many people say it's the best year of their life blahdiblahblah but I'm one of those people who like to follow a plan and have an order and to feel as out of control as I do now is actually really hard.

But it is what it is and I will catch up eventually. Admitting to myself what has to be done has been the most difficult part, but I absolutely believe I will be a stronger person after all this has left me - it's probably something that needed to happen.

And although I'm utterly depressed about the whole thing I know it's what needs to be done. Just to make sure I get my life properly back on track so I can conintue in the way I intended, and lead the life I want to lead.