Anxiety and Panic Attacks

I feel like I don't really talk about this much on here, even though I wanted this to be primarily about anxiety its kind of got pushed to the curb a little. I think it's something that more people suffer from so I'm going to do my best to explain it for those who might not understand so much.

No one has control over what they are scared of. It's human nature to be fearful of some things. Some fears are rational, some aren't. Usually (not always) when you suffer from an anxiety disorder it because you have an irrational fear of something that has gone a bit extreme. With me my fear is being sick/fainting. I am terrified of being physically sick. I don't know why, I cant explain it, I just always have been. For most people this may seem ridiculous. Nothing dangerous can happen to you from being sick. In fact being sick can save your life. I understand all this but it still scares me to the point that feeling sick can lead to panic attacks. Which makes things worse because panicking slows down your digestive system making you feel even more sick! So it's kind of lose-lose!

I used to think that having bad anxiety had completely ruined my whole life and I would never be the same again. For 6 months I hardly left my house. It's something that unless you've been through it you can't really comprehend. A fear so bad that it stops you enjoying life.

Imagine it like this, if something really makes you jump - like watching a scary film - your heart beats a bit faster and your body produces adrenaline making you feel nervous and you get 'butterflies'. When you jump all this happens in a split second. For someone with severe anxiety they feel like this for a lot longer, sometimes permanently. It can worsen into a panic attack. Some panic attacks I've had I actually worried that there was something wrong with my heart. Sounds and sights become louder and more vivid and even if your out in the open you can feel incredibly claustrophobic. Your heart beats so fast and so hard, you lose your breath even though you could be sitting down. Your body shakes and sometimes people faint. It's horrendous. It's something I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

But you can learn to control anxiety. You can learn to rationalise your thoughts and make them more positive. It's something I'm working on and it is slowly getting much much better. If you do suffer from anxiety I would absolutely suggest getting help of some kind. More people than you think suffer from it, and more people than you think recover from it. So please, open up and talk to someone about it, if there's one thing I've learnt its that people are much more empathetic than you might think. I know I won't have it forever. And I know I'll be a more understanding, less judgemental person because of it.

I think also for anyone who knows someone with anxiety and has been with them when they've been scared will know that it's really difficult to try and make the situation better. There are some do's and don't's that I think you should and shouldn't say or do, for example:

DON'T
-Say things such as 'just calm down', 'relax' or 'what are you even scared of?'. Telling them to relax/calm down won't make the slightest bit of difference. If they could then obviously they would, and wouldn't be in that situation in the first place! Asking what they are scared of is a major no-no. Some of the time I never even knew what it was that I was getting frightened of, and if someone asked me it would keep me focused on what I was panicking about and so encourage negative thoughts. Make sense?

-Try and hug/hold their hand/touch them without them initiating it. Panic can cause all sorts of weird things in your body and can make someone feel really claustrophobic. I know that hugging them can feel like you're trying to calm them down but it can actually make things worse. So instead just stay by their side close enough so that if they need to hold your hand or your arm that they can easily do so.

DO
- Remind them that panicking won't kill them. You CAN NOT die from a panic attack. Its so so rare for anything serious to happen because of one and they only last a maximum of 20 minutes.

-Try and encourage them to focus on their breathing, tell them to take deep breaths and talk to them in a gentle way. Don't get annoyed if they can't do it, just keep reminding them that they are safe.

-Go where they want to go. If they want to leave, leave. Don't make them stay where they don't want to be. If you're on a train or bus, promise to get off with them at the next stop. Even if you have to stop 4 times before you get where you need to be, they need you to stay with them. If their at your house, offer to take them home/call their parents. It may cause you slight inconvenience but keeping them in a situation that they don't want to be in will only make things worse. My school made me stay when I was having panic attacks, and for absolutely ages I was terrified of even driving past there.

Obviously I'm not a professional, and some people may tell you differently. But these are things that I would suggest and I know work for me. I hope that maybe you feel you understand a bit more now, or maybe you can just relate a little bit.  Thank you for reading it, I know this post is reeeeeeeeeally long and probably really boring haha! It'll be more light hearted next time ♥


Zoella did a video on it that explains things perfectly (much better than me!) You can watch it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iNOFD27G4&noredirect=1

Lottie x

My Life Aim

Having a lot of spare time gives me a lot of time to think. Thinking too hard about things can sometimes be bad, and the thing I think about most is my future. Sometimes I worry that this will be my life for a lot longer than I would have ever anticipated and so everything will get slowed down even more. But mostly I think about how I want things to change and how I don't want this to be my life for a really long time. I want to get better and I want to be normal and happy and do everything I want to. Whether it be travel around the world, or just get the job I've always wanted. I want to be able to do anything I want to, and I know that if I work really hard then I can.

I'm definitely doing A levels next year and I'm desperate to eventually go to university. Having very few GCSEs puts me at a major disadvantage. Especially as what I want to do at university is an extremely competitive field (Veterinary Science). I know some people think I'm not capable but I don't care. I believe I can do it, and I feel that just by believing in yourself means you're already part way there. I know that the next three years are going to be tough. I know I have to work my little socks off but it's what I want more than anything in the world. No one can predict their future and things my change; but as of now it's my life aim. I'm going to do it. I'm not going to let anyone or anything stop me from achieving what I really really want.

Lottie x

Happy New Year! - Oh how things have changed!

So after saying I would do this really regularly I then didn't post for a month.. Woops! I hope you all had lovely Christmases! Mine was amazing! So jolly and it was really nice to see all of my family, yay!

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I have changed as a person throughout all of this. For a while I didn't think I had, but when I really start looking at back at my life 2 years ago I realise that I actually am very different. Not nessecarily personality wise, but more in the way I think and the way my mind works.
I believe there are four main things to keeping happy and they are as follows: Friends, Family, Health and Hobbies. Most other things are a privalidge (apart from the necessities we need to stay alive, obviously!).

2 years ago my thoughts on this were way out of wack. I was much more concerned about what people thought of me, how I looked, how I came across as a person, whether I was pretty enough or skinny enough or if I had nice clothes. All these things I do still think about but if I'm having an 'off day' then that's fine. We all have them! I've come to the realisation that no one can be perfect all of the time, and to be honest - it's too much effort!! I was so worried about what other people thought of me that I was focusing entirely on the wrong thing. It mattered much more to me what others thought than my studies or hobbies and now, although I still care, I'm focused on my future. What things hold for me in the coming years and what I want to aim for. Life has thrown some curveballs at me but I'm learning to handle them and when it's all blown over I will come out the other side a much better version of myself, and I hope others will agree.

Having spent so little time with friends it's made me realise how special they all are to me, although I don't talk to as many people as I did before I'm much more grateful to the ones who have stuck it out with me, so thanks guys! (I'm sure you know who you are :) )
My family have always been so amazing throughout all of this, I've really realised how blessed I am to have such supportive relatives as I do. I don't even want to imagine life without them!
When it comes to health things aren't perfect, but when I look back even 6 months when I couldn't see the light at the end I am amazed at how things have changed, and I am so determined to keep on the up!
Hobbies is a difficult one because I get so tired. But volunteering has given me something to look forward to in the week, meeting new people from all sorts of different backgrounds is really inspiring. I'm very focused now on goals I have for the future and what I want to achieve when things get back to normal - WHICH THEY WILL!! Haha!
I hope to continue thinking this way and keep my head straight on the things that really matter ♥

So here's to 2013, a fresh start and a new beginning. I wish you all the very very best -Happy New Year everyone!

Lottie x

Busy busy busy!

Finally got over the virus I had last week and this week has been really hectic! This time of year is always so so busy and I love it so much!

On Monday my mum, her friend and I went into Bristol to do some shopping. I ended up buying LOADS! All the money I'd carefully saved up I spent - woops! But anyway that was really nice, the first time I'd been clothes shopping in over a year!! Mmm I love new stuff!

Then on Tuesdays me and mum help out at the hedgehog rescue place and I am loving doing that at the moment, they are so sweet and cute ahhh. That makes me really tired though its quite full on, but I really really love meeting new people and just getting out the house is good for me. I'll probably continue to do that for a while.

Wednesday me and mum spent the day tidying ready for Christmas, everyone is coming to us this year and it's going to be MAD.

Then yesterday I went and had my flu jab. Because my immune system is down it was recommended that I have it so that I won't get the flu and have a replapse. For anyone who is suffering from the same thing as me I would say definitely ask your GP for it, it's the smallest, least painful, quickest injection I have ever had and much better than getting flu! I also went into school briefly yesterday which was nice.

And today I did another shift at the hedgehog place, so this week (for me) has been pretty full on. I think it's going to be like this until Christmas but I don't mind really. I love Christmas so much and as long as this year is better than the last, I'll be happy!


http://www.prickleshedgehogrescue.org.uk/ (hedgehog rescue, check it out!) 

Viruses - Again!

I haven't been so well this week and haven't really been out, and because of my Chronic Fatigue the illnesses hit slightly harder and last slightly longer which is sooo annoying!

Viruses leave me feeling very run down for a few days and so I can't go anywhere, this is not only really annoying but also makes me reeeeeally boooooored.  I also have to be really careful about avoiding colds and things because my immune system is not as good as it should be, so like I said before, if get something they hit harder and last longer - greeeeatt.. It also means that I have to have the Flu jab every so often for the next few years, woop! (EUGH..)

I keep saying to people 'I'll be in school on Thursday, see you then!' But this seems to never happen! I don't purposely not come into school, things just always seem to get in the way. Fingers crossed I'll definitely be in next Thursday!

Lottie x

PS. I am trying to come up with a name for this Blog, I keep changing it. Someone came up with 'Chronxiety' but I think that sounds stoooopid. Any ideas would be fab. Thanks x

Looking Back

Me and my mum were chatting earlier about this time last year. November/December 2011 were horrendous for many reasons, but mostly because I was in the middle of my virus (Glandular Fever). 

This time of year is a happy one for most, with Christmas coming up and all the other festivities that circle around November and December. It has always been my favourite time of year but I wasn't looking forward to it at all. I was in and out of hospital with various appointments and tests and the realisation that I wasn't going to be well in Christmas Day was a hard one for me, and I have to say it was a Christmas I would rather forget.

However it was Grandpa that really turned things round for me. Our family is very traditional and sitting together in Christmas evening is one of the parts of the day we most enjoy. I'd spent all of christmas day upstairs by myself and when I said I wasn't going to sit and eat Christmas dinner with everyone, the look on his face broke my heart. And I will never forget that. So for him I came down and ate with everyone. I had a tiny portion and I promised him that each day I would eat a little it more - and I did. It was difficult at first and with a shrunken stomach quite painful, but I did it, and I know it was because of my grandpa.

Someone said to me that if you are unwell on Christmas Day then the next one will seem like the best one you've ever had. I'm literally keeping everything crossed for this to be true!! Please please pleeease!?

Lottie x

I think we need a catch up!

Ive been thinking a lot about this blog and I've had a lot of people ask me about it so I thought it was only right that I go ahead and fill you all in on what's been happening with me over the last 6 (yes 6!) months. It might be a bit long winded, so I'll try and make it as brief as I can.

The last post I wrote was SO DEPRESSING. I couldn't believe how miserable I was. I was right in the middle of exams and had just been given my 'official' diagnosis. I was absolutely exhausted, I have never felt so drained and with all the stress of getting too and from exams it completely knocked me sideways. When exams finished it took me a good couple of weeks to get me back on my feet but I pulled through! (looking back I have no idea how I did it, some days I couldn't even walk down the stairs the CFS got so bad.)

I also started going to CAMHS to help sort out my anxiety. I met with a councillor once a week and she just helped me get going in moving forwards. She gave me tasks to do and slowly pushed me forwards into getting my anxiety issue sorted. I still see her, but now every three weeks. Without this support I would still be upstairs in my room talking to no one and never leaving the house. I will be forever thankful to her, I know I wouldn't be where I am now without CAMHS.

On the 7th of July I went on holiday with friends from school. I'm not going to lie I was not looking forward too it AT ALL. I had become very disconnected from my school friends and I was worried it would get worse as I wasn't going to be able to join in with much. But it actually turned out to be such a lovely week. Even though I only moved from the sofa to eat and go to bed, I reconnected with them all and felt more part of them again.

Things only went up from there really. I got home from holiday happier and much more myself. I started going out more and throughout the summer I got stronger and stronger, mentally and physically. I made sure I left the house at least once a week and walked round the garden every day to get a bit of exercise. I went on holiday again at the end of August and this was a major turning point for me. I was eating at the table with everyone (something I hadn't done since the previous holiday, and before that not since November last year). I was going out for hours at a time - one day we went to Plymouth sea aquarium and I had to be pushed round in a wheelchair because it would be too much for me to walk round the whole place. But the point is I wanted to go, and I wasn't too anxious about it. I was even having drinking water while out, something just a month before I would NEVER have done. I was amazed at myself and was determined to carry on the up.

I decided a few months before school started that it would be best for my health to not return this year and start again in 2013, but my birthday on the 6th was a school day and I didn't want to spend my 17th on my own doing nothing. So we chatted to the school and they allow me to go in when I want to at lunch times. I don't go very often, and school still makes me very anxious, but I think it's necessary that I go in to chat to people and get over my social anxiety.

As for where I am now...

I volunteer once a week at a hedgehog rescue centre. I LOVE animals, and it's a a way of meeting new people and getting involved in something different. Something that will be worth while and stop be being so bored. I'm absolutely loving it. (I'll leave a link below to their page, and also Crispian -the famous hedgehog's- blog)

I try and go out everyday, obviously if my mum is busy it's pretty hard, but I do try. It's also difficult because I get so exhausted still. I'm pretty bad at knowing when to stop, do too much and then feel dreadful. I also still have very bad separation anxiety and find it hard to do things on my own, but that's getting better. I also have a problem when it comes to food and eating. I never eat before or when I'm out and only when I know I'm not going anywhere. This is a difficult situation because it means I have no energy when I'm out, but I'm slowly working on it.

As for the school situation I'm pretty sure that I won't be going back there. I go in roughly once a week and I feel like my time there has finished. I don't feel like I fit in anymore (it's not anyone's fault and it's not a bad thing! Just how I feel) and it's hard to feel comfortable and not awkward when I'm there. I feel that a lot of the friends I had there I no longer speak to and everyone has moved on. So I think that boat has sailed and I'll be heading to college in September instead. However this is still undecided so I could still be at sixer next year - we'll see!

I will try and keep this more up to date and write on it more regularly, sorry for the huge delay!
Thank you to everyone who has supported me through it all, I appreciate EVERYTHING.
Lots of love

Lottie x

Prickles Hedghog Rescue - http://www.prickleshedgehogrescue.org.uk/

Crispians Blog - http://crispianhedgehog.wordpress.com/ (I would definitely recommend reading this!)