Tough Decisions

This week has been a week of tough decisions and it's upset me quite a lot. It's been a difficult week for me and this is all quite hard to say, so bare with me...

I've always had my life completely planned out, probably just like every other girl my age. I was going to finish school with 11 GCSE's and go on to sixth form with my friends to do a levels. After this I was going to head straight to university to get my degree - probably in physiotherapy. I never planned around having an illness that would effect my life so much, even though it's not life threatening, it's changed me. It's made me stronger and more accepting of things, but it's also made me much less independent.

I've been officially diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), something that a lot of people get after a long lasting nasty virus. Its not serious and it won't effect my life forever. But it does mean that I'm going to take a lot longer to recover and get back to how I was. It makes you incredibly tired and as with all things I'll have good days and bad days.

Getting this diagnosis has made me have to re-evaluate what I think I will be capable of this year. So this is what is in store for me in the next five years:

-Home tutoring until May, I'll finish year 11 with 5 GCSE's. I was going to go to the ball but I've had to come crashing down to earth with the possibility that I just won't be able to manage, so I'll be sending my dress back in the next couple of weeks.

-After this year I'll take a year out, so that when I return to school I'll be myself again, and not the needy, dependant, whiny little girl I am at the moment. So I won't be going to sixth form with my friends as planned - you can't even imagine how gutted I am about this.

-I'll then spend two years doing A levels in the sixth form, a year older than I should be.

-Because I'll have so few GCSE's I'll need to wait until I get my A level results to even consider applying to a good university. So this means taking another year out. I'll then be about 20/21 when I eventually head off and 2 years behind what I'd originally planned.

I know 21 isn't old, and so many people say it's the best year of their life blahdiblahblah but I'm one of those people who like to follow a plan and have an order and to feel as out of control as I do now is actually really hard.

But it is what it is and I will catch up eventually. Admitting to myself what has to be done has been the most difficult part, but I absolutely believe I will be a stronger person after all this has left me - it's probably something that needed to happen.

And although I'm utterly depressed about the whole thing I know it's what needs to be done. Just to make sure I get my life properly back on track so I can conintue in the way I intended, and lead the life I want to lead.

Exhausted

I have been doing more in the last couple of weeks than I have done in about 4 months, and its completely knocked me sideways. I'm soooo tired! I have however managed to find energy from somewhere and got on OK with it all. Which I suppose is a good thing!


My weekly schedule:
Monday: 9.30-11.30 Chemistry Tutor
                1.30-3.00 English


Tuesday: 11.30-1.30 Biology


Wednesday: 8.40 Doctors Appointment
                     1.30-3 RE


Thursday: 11.00-12.00 Anxiety Counselling
                  2.00-3.00 Physics


Friday: Finish any homework I've been given


Saturday/Sunday: relaaaaxxx!!


To someone who is fit and well that may seem like nothing, but after just two weeks of this I'm exhausted. I just about manage to get myself together over the weekend for it all to start again on Monday.


This week has been extra difficult for me as well because my mum is away. I feel slightly like I'm treading water with out her away because she is the only person who knows how to properly calm me down when I get stressed or over anxious or have a panic attack. She has been there from the beginning and understands it all the best.  Having my councillor just a phone call away has been really useful and my dad has been lovely, but I think a weight will be lifted when my mum gets back. (jeez I sound so lame!... oh well.)


I used to be embarrassed to say I went to counselling, but now I know that without it I would be so much further behind with my recovery and she has helped me enormously. I would recommend going to see a councillor to anyone in my situation. It's surprising how just talking and getting all your feelings out to someone other than friends or family can help you, but trust me it really does.


In the last few weeks and haven't helped but feel like I've been forgotten by some of my friends. I know I haven't, but in the back of my mind I can't help but worry about it. I think it's just because being at home 24/7 can get very lonely. I saw a friend of mine on Wednesday though and she is the absolute definition of short and sweet (I love you Brony!). She completely eliminated all thoughts of being forgotten so I'm taking this opportunity to say thank you. So thanks Brony, your amazing! 
I think I have also been quite selfish while dealing with all this, I'm not the only person going through a tough time at the moment and I have a tendancy to think I am. So I'm sorry to everyone about that.


(I would also recommend keeping a blog like this one to those suffering from CFS/M.E/anxiety. It has helped me loads and loads.)



After leaving this up for just under an hour I got this text from a friend:
'YOUR NOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT. DONT
YOU DARE THINK THAT. YOUR THE
SUN TO OUR SHINE. LACES TO OUR
SHOES. TINKY TO OUR..er..WINKY
YOU PUT THE P IN POTTER. YOU MAKE
THE HAKUNA, MATATA. YOUR THE
MILK FROM THE COW TO PUT IN OUR
TEA. YOU ARE NOT OUT OF MIND.
YOU ARE LOTTIE DEAKIN. AND YOU,
MY FRIEND, ARE AMAZING. YOUR THE
KNIFE TO THE FORK. YOUR THE PORK
TO THE CHOP. YOU ARE A WIZARD
HARRY XXXXXXXXX'
awww thank you Shannon, I love you millions and trillions!

Something To Be Proud Of

Revising - something everyone has to do at some point in their life, but no one enjoys. The past few weeks I have spent whole days at home revising for a biology retake. Add this to not leaving the house and only seeing the same four people and you have the perfect recipe for extreme boredom. Having saying this though, I don't actually want to leave the house. Its safe and nice and leaving the comfort of home leads to panic and I don't like panic.

Anxiety is by far the hardest thing I'm coping with at the moment, I've had a few panic attacks and none of them have been what I would call pleasant. It's horrible - I HATE it.
Like I said, home is safe. People can come and see me at home and I'm absolutely fine. But going to see them at their houses is difficult, and it's this that I'm struggling to make understandable for other people. I don't even really understand it myself.....   It's a toughen!

Anyway back onto the note of revision! The exam I had to sit was last thursday morning and although I was fully prepared for the exam it sort of skipped my mind that I actually had to get to school to be able to do it. However I managed to get up and dressed without really worrying about it. But then came the task of actually getting in the car and going. My mum practically had to drag me out the house but I managed and we got there.
Actually getting out the car and getting to the exam room was really hard though. My mum kept saying 'Just walk to the room, even if you don't go in at least you tried and thats still something to be proud of.' After a lot of persuasion I got there and I did manage to go in and do it and it was fine. A couple of friends where doing it too and it was such a relief to have people who knew what was going on.

 I can't thank my friends/family enough for everything they have done to help me. I can't explain how just a short text can really make me feel so much happier. And for the first time in a long time, I managed to do something I was really proud of.


soppy soppy soppy I know I know, sorry!

Here goes...

I must admit, I'm slightly embarrassed to keep a blog. I've never before had a reason for one, but now I feel it will be good for me. I'm also worried that no one would read it and it would just be another wasted few paragraphs bashing around the internet. However I am looking past all that and staying positive! So here goes...


I'm 16 years old and suffering from a post viral fatigue/anxiety,  you may not think it but it's something a lot of people my age suffer from. I came down with a nasty virus in september 2011, which  caused me to be incredibly tired and weak and feeling generally unwell for roughly 3 months. Things weren't good at all, I can honestly say I have never felt so crap in my life. Also I haven't returned to school since and I'm INCREDIBLY bored - suddenly going from seeing and chatting to lots of people everyday to just talking to your mother can take its toll quite quickly. It's also made me realise just how boring day time television is..
Anyway I'm still not 100% better, I'm still popping pills and lying around not feeling up to much but its nothing compared to what I was like before Christmas.

My biggest problem now is all the anxiety I have. Its hard for me even to leave my house sometimes and this is the one thing I am struggling to help people understand. I think a lot of the people I know don't realise how bad this problem is...

Home tutors come to my house 5 times a week and I will be doing my exams this year, despite all the advice to repeat the year. My teachers think I won't manage, I absolutely think I can. So here's hoping I prove them all wrong!

So I'm asking you all to join me in the process of my recovery, I hope I can enlighten some of you into what extreme anxiety is like and how coping with it can feel impossible. I would also like to think that this could be of help to others in my situation.

Staying positive I feel is crucial, so the next posts will probably be a lot more cheery. But thats all for now folks!