Just a warning, this is the most honest I've been throughout everything - please don't judge me or think of me as an attention seeker, or even be offended, it's just how I'm feeling.
Everyday I ask myself 'If I died right now, would I die happy' and for the last few months the answer has been 'no'. I've seen so many people about my health for example CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Society) and a councillor and a psychologist and a consultant and a GP. Only one of them has noticed how depressed I am at the moment and that's my councillor. I'm not going to mention names for privacy reasons but she has been amazing.
I often write on twitter how I'm feeling at a certain time and often the response is something like 'chin up' or 'cheer up' or 'stop being silly' and stuff like that. I know they're just trying to be nice but that's really not what I need. Telling someone who is/possibly is depressed to just 'cheer up' is like telling someone who is scared of heights to climb a tall building with no safety rope. It's just not that easy.
Also lots of people have told me that I've 'changed'. I don't get offended by this it just makes me feel sad. Because I know that I'm not as fun or cheerful as I used to be and I try my hardest to put on a happy front when friends are over but it's exhausting. I don't want to lose friends because they find me dull or uninteresting - and this is why I cancel on them sometimes. It's nothing to do with not wanting to see them but if I'm feeling unwell then I don't want to talk or do anything I just want to sit and do nothing, quietly, by myself. I'm sure other suffers will understand this feeling.
I want so desperately for someone to talk to- even someone I don't know particularly well, just anyone who has been/is going through it and knows exactly what I'm going through to just say to me 'it's not like this forever' because at the moment I feel like I'm in a continuos loop and completely trapped in what's happening to me. There's no escape and there is no relief and it's unbelievable torture.
Now I've got the depressing stuff out the way I'll move on. I make it sounded above as though I have no one to talk to. I want to make it clear now that that's not at all true. I have AMAZING friends. If ever I feel overwhelmed or like I just need to let stuff I've been locking up inside out I know there are always people I can turn to. So I want to thank all those people for unbelievably amazing to me. So thank you Shannon, Brony, Ally, Bella, Steff, Devvon, Ellie, Jake, Sim, Harry, Tom, Mike and especially Eva and Em. I couldn't have asked for better people to help me through this, everyone is so supportive and lovely. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!
Also while we're mentioning nice things I managed to go into school for an hour and a bit on the last day. I was in all the year photo's and had SUCH a nice time - it made me even more desperate to be better by September and I'm so looking forward to Sixth Form and getting back in the loop. It made me realise just how much I've missed some people! But it was lovely to be there with everyone and to properly say goodbye to those who won't be there next year. An afternoon I was dreading turned out to be so so so nice!
MORE GOOD NEWS. I have a car. Yes. Me. I own a car. That I will be able to drive in September. WOOOOOOO!
So I'm living for the day where I can finally answer my question 'Yes, if I died right now right here, I would be perfectly happy'.
